If Canada Ruled the World
Canadians, eh? Whilst we were busy mocking them for their love of double denim and musical exports like Celine Dion, they only went and became the best country on the planet. Given that the rest of us seem to have lost our heads of late, I'm proposing that Canada stages a world-wide coup. Here are 10 good reasons why:
1) Justin Trudeau He does yoga. He's a feminist. He goes to gay pride. And, he runs the country. Frankly, any one of those things is one thing more than most of the world leaders manage.
2) They have a national health service, but no Jeremy Hunt Just reflect on that for a moment.
3) They clean up their messes Like the British, the Canadians like to say sorry. Unlike the British, who only really apologise to doors that they've just opened or people who have stepped on their toes, Canada knows how to make proper restitution. Case in point; they've just opened up an an enquiry into the shocking number of historic and ongoing murders of First Nations women. Former conservative prime minister Stephen Harper took a pretty 'meh' line on this. Not on Justin Trudeau's watch!
4) They have a government that is actually representative of the people it serves Half of them are women. Just like in real life! Also to be found in the cabinet are muslims, sikhs and aboriginals. Also just like in real life.
5) "I'm crushing your head!" Anyone who remembers the Kids in the Hall will know that Canadians can be funny as f**k. Not convinced? Other Canadian funny folk include Dan Aykroyd, Catherine O'Hara and Seth Rogen. And let's face it; you will need that GSOH to run the world.
6) They don't lose their s**t around guns It's true that, unlike their closest neighbours, they don't give guns away with cereals, but with 1/4 of them in possession of firearms, they still manage to have a firearm-related death rate seven times lower than the US. This is down to stricter gun classification (because no one needs an AK-47 to shoot pheasants) and more rigorous screening processes. It's not rocket science.
7) Maple Syrup Delicious, delicious maple syrup. If it was made freely available to the rest of us, we'd all be too busy making desserts that we could pretend were healthy 'because it comes from trees' and then trying to exercise off all that extra weight to bother anyone else.
8) Lots of lovely clean water Canadian tap water is famously healthy and-more importantly- there's an abundance of it. If a bit of that love could be shared with the world, we'd all laughing. And, many of us wouldn't be dying either.
9) Canadians travel well When English people go abroad, Benidorm happens. When Canadians go abroad, they leave people smiling pleasantly and saying things like "you know, I've never met a Canadian that I didn't like." Good diplomatic relations are central to any good government policy. Boris Johnson, I am looking at you.
10) They're not show-ponies As my Canadian friend Rick pointed out, "maybe part of being Canadian is just to be boring enough to avoid drawing too much attention to ourselves". As someone who has beheld Ryan Gosling (and Justin Trudeau, come to think of it), I would dispute the boring claim. But there is something refreshing about the way that Canada just gets on with being awesome without the urge to constantly blow its own trumpet. Proof that humility can get you anywhere: Like in charge of the world.
